Supermom...super power: Invisibility

And when I say invisibility I don't mean the kind that makes stains disappear from clothes. Or the ability to magically make a sink full of dirty dishes vanish when the head of the PTA knocks on your door. I'm talking about that fine line between being a wife, a mother and not losing who you are as a person. It is far too easy to disappear in the daily routine. The endless parade of dirty mouths, hands, and bottoms that need to be wiped. Sippy cups that need to be filled, beds to be made, floors to clean, meals to cook, and before I know it the day is over and I haven't taken 5 minutes for myself. And I begin to feel invisible. That I'm not seen for me, but rather for what I do. It's not easy to find time for yourself. Believe me, I know. I took the kids to McDonald's the other day for lunch. We all ate, then they were off to play and I kicked back and read a book. A lady sitting next to me watched me for a while then she finally said, "wow...you must only have one child! I've never been that relaxed as a parent." And to look at her, I would agree. She looked frazzled, tired, and to me, unhappy.

So how do you balance the demands of motherhood, being a wife and being a person? Take 10! that's my motto. I had to learn how to think smaller. Before I had kids it was no big deal to take a few hours and enjoy some retail therapy. But I can't do that now. I used to try to wait until I had an hour or so before I took some time for myself, guess what? I ended up waiting...and waiting. Because finding a large block of time when you have kids can be difficult. I would end up frustrated and feeling, well...invisible. So I'm learning to take 10 minutes here and there for myself. It may be simply to be in a room alone. Paint my toenails. Check facebook or write on my blog. It is so easy to lose our identity when we become parents. I have become known as Alex and Ava's mom. I have a name?! Marriage and family means carving out a new place for ourselves, but it doesn't mean we have to lose our identity or worse yet become invisible. But sometimes we allow that to happen. We stop doing the things we used to do. We forget about the hobbies we had before we got married and had kids. Now I realize that there have to be changes, obviously. But I have recently rediscovered my love for reading. And I'm starting to get back into writing and taking pictures again. I had put all that aside with the excuse that I didn't have time anymore. Make time. It's important. Not only for you, but for your kids as well. If you are happy, and fulfilled it shows. You will be a better wife, a better mother and a happier person. My sister said one time, that it's not about how clean the house is, or whether dinner is on the table when her husband comes through the door, it's coming home to a happy wife. And you know what? She's absolutely right. So if taking time out of your day to read for a little bit means that there are dirty dishes in the sink when your honey gets home, but you're happy and relaxed. I guarantee he won't notice the dishes!!!

Funny stuff

So last night we took Alex to the airport to catch a flight to Orlando and meet my Dad. Now in terms of excitement levels...Alex's was pretty high. Mine on the other hand had reached stress levels that were off the charts. Hyperventilating, chest pains the whole works. I'm about to put my baby on this massive hunk of metal with a bunch of people I don't know....hold on...can't breathe. ANYWAY...we're sitting at the overly crowded gate waiting for a plane that has yet to arrive, and as we later learn is running about 30 minutes behind schedule, surprise surprise. As we're sitting there I'm fielding a million questions from both Alex and Ava all the while fighting off my own panic attack.
"Mommy why do we haf'ta take our choos (shoes) off at degurity (security)?"
"Mommy is that MY plane? Oh no...it's takin' off."
"Mommy why is that lady wearin' that ugly shirt?"
Mommy, I'm weally thirsty and kinda hungry."
Mommy, look at those birds are they gonna fly away when MY plane gets here?"
"Mommy will I get to see the Pilot? Why is that boy crying?" And so on...
The people on either side of us were thankfully very kind and apparently not disturbed by the racket my 2 munchkins were producing. Then suddenly Ava bursts out with this little gem...
Ava: "Mommy when is the Pilot going to be here?"
Me: "I don't know honey...I"m sure he'll get here when the plane does." (I sure hope he does)
Ava" "Mommy...do Pilot's say...Aaaarrrrgggh???"
Me: "No baby...that's pirates...not pilots."
The lady sitting next to us had tears coming out her eyes she was laughing so hard. A few minutes later I overhear Ava talking to Alex...
"Alex...did you see that plane? It took off...it's flying. I just can't believe it!" (Yeah Avey...I know that feeling!) Despite my fears of letting my baby go off on his own, he made it safely to his destination and made several friends along the way. He had a blast. I am still trying to recover. It's a bittersweet moment to watch your child take a step closer to needing you less, but it's also a proud moment. He handled the unknown with bravery and huge smile. I handled it with panic attacks and a few tears. And Ava wailed as soon as Alex took his first step to getting on the plane. "I sure miss Brudder" Me too Ava, me too.

A picture is worth a thousand words...or is it?

A picture is worth a thousand words, as a photographer I've always liked that saying, but is it true? I have been amazed at the versatility of the human language. We can love someone or hate someone with it. Build them up or tear them down, all with a word. We sing songs about love and then in a single breath we use those very same words as weapons of destruction hurling them carelessly, heedless of the damage we're doing. The other mystery to me is how no one is excluded. From the workplace to home. No one is exempt. I have witnessed, and been on the receiving end of praise for a job well done, and a verbal undressing by an unhappy customer. It hurts even from a complete stranger. But the worst pain, is inflicted by those we love. The simple act of communication between two people in love. How hard can it be? I have spent many a sleepless night pondering that very thing. How hard is it to truly express to my husband how I feel? Why can't I make him understand what I'm so desperately trying to say? And why, when I can't accomplish that do I turn to hurling my words at him in frustration?

As both of my kids were learning to talk I remember watching in amazement as they went from happy, smiling babies to wailing. All in a matter of seconds because of their inability to communicate with me. Their total frustration at not being able to express what they wanted. Oh but they're kids, they'll learn. And indeed they did...sometimes much to my chagrin. But even as adults we experience that same consuming frustration when we are unable to communicate something that is important to us. Especially when it's between husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend. There have been moments in my marriage when I truly thought that Adam and I MUST be speaking two totally different languages. I say one thing, he hears another. He says one thing, I hear something completely different. And as I translate his words into MY understanding, I start to make assumptions based on my interpretation of his words. Which often, I'm learning, is not at all what he said! And when you start putting two and two together...and end up with seven...you got a problem. Or...perhaps math isn't your strong point. At any rate I'm sure you can sympathize. The problem, I'm learning isn't that Adam is from another planet. Nor is it that he is unable express himself. The problem is the assumptions that we both make about what the other one is saying. I'll give you an example...

Adam teases me about the kids being whiny. I immediately get defensive and think he's saying that I'm a bad parent.

Is it a little silly? Yeah, but come on...we all know we do it. He says..."Wow, Honey have you lost weight?" We think he's saying we're fat and need to lose weight. He comes home from work and says, "Man I'm hungry." And we immediately assume he's upset because we don't have dinner ready. Bottom line...we make assumptions of what he's actually saying by reading subtext between the lines. Problem with that is? He didn't write the subtext, WE DID! My husband's favorite saying...one I've quickly adopted is this...

"You know what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of U and ME!" How very true.

Losing my 'Blogging Virginity"

Wow, I'm looking at this incredibly blank page waiting for me to make my creative mark in blogging history. Yikes. A blogging virgin. And I'm sitting here wondering what in the world could I possibly have to write about that other people want to know? I don't have any particularly striking piece of wisdom, beauty or any other amazingly brilliant anecdote to grace you with. I often have days filled with macaroni and cheese, dirty laundry, a sink full of dishes and best of all sticky fingers that grab my face and say, "Mommy, I wuv you to the moon and stars and space and back!" I have a husband who is amazing in my eyes. Even though he leaves his dirty laundry on the bedroom floor, gets cranky when he doesn't know where he's going, and spends an inordinate amount of time completely engrossed in ESPN.
I am at a strange place in life, I have been through a gamut of emotional highs and lows in the last 3 years that have completely changed my outlook on life. I have experienced the hurt of divorce, the stress of single parenthood, the excitement and yes, let's face it, completely blinding fear of dating, the pain of losing my mother to cancer, watching my father remarry, and last but not least the joy of falling in love.

I am not at all convinced that I have anything worth posting that will help anyone. But my love for people drives me to seek friendship even in blogging. I would love to say that I feel I can contribute to the struggles of other people by posting helpful advice, unfortunately most of what I have learned has been through my mistakes, not my divinely given wisdom. So while advice probably isn't something you'll find here, I hope that you'll get a good laugh. If I make one person smile, then I have made a worthwhile contribution to society! And so saying, I will close for now. I have alot to learn about this blogging thing. I have alot more mistakes to make that I'll be sure to tell you all about in glowing detail! But right now, I have a sweet man who is patiently waiting for me to spend a little time with him. So I'm off for some cuddling and House Hunters on HG! Ah life, it's real, and usually....it's funny!